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View Full Version : Joke of the week!


Hero King Gilgamesh
08-01-2011, 08:33 AM
Dear news posters. We totally need a "joke of the week" news dedicated to hilarious jokes from the internet.


For one we can start of with this


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*cking number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a**hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a**hole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a**hole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What' s your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five. 'I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes ?' I said, 'Don, you're an a**hole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called a**hole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an a**hole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me, 'He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'A**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers. 'I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole,' and hung up. Then I called a**hole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, a**hole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are.. 'I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a**,' I answered, 'Well a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.. I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.

Hadriel
08-01-2011, 09:07 AM
A joke of the week isn't a bad idea, but that joke was plain bad.

Hero King Gilgamesh
08-01-2011, 09:12 AM
A joke of the week isn't a bad idea, but that joke was plain bad.

oh really? why dont you give me your phone number and we will see how bad it is. ;tongue;

Hadriel
08-01-2011, 09:29 AM
Lol, that quip was actually kinda funny. Funnier than the original joke at least.

Anyway, go find the other News contributors and ask them.

Kamil
08-01-2011, 09:49 AM
That's not a joke, it's more of a "Cool story bro" except it didn't happen to you so it's actually just a stale repost.

Nightmare Gear
08-01-2011, 10:08 AM
yeah the joke was long...joke of the week should be shorter I guess.

noex1337
08-01-2011, 10:31 AM
An Amish man and his young son went to the city for the first time.

Neither one of them had ever been to the city before and they were amazed by everything they saw, especially two shiny silver doors in the hotel lobby which moved apart and back together again, the boy asked his father, "What is that Dad?"

The father said, "I don't know Son, I have never seen anything like it."

As they watched wide-eyed, an old lady, limping on a cane, slowly walked up to the moving doors and pressed a button.

When the doors opened, she walked between them into a tiny little room. The doors closed and the boy and his father watched as numbers above the doors lit up from left to right. Then they lit up in the reverse direction.

The doors opened up again and a beautiful 20 year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Quick, go get your mother."

Not the best, but $10 says it's better.

Illusia
08-01-2011, 06:14 PM
I don't have any jokes

Pimp
08-02-2011, 01:33 AM
How about this!
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

Luffy
08-02-2011, 05:18 AM
^oooooof...

Hero King Gilgamesh
08-02-2011, 06:08 AM
yeah the joke was long...joke of the week should be shorter I guess.


that joke is actually in 2 parts.

The 1st part being calling the guy A**hole.

And the 2nd being the "Date" ;hello;

Hadriel
08-02-2011, 06:11 AM
That doesn't make it any shorter though.

Hero King Gilgamesh
08-02-2011, 06:25 AM
That doesn't make it any shorter though.

lol I must say you guys have some lazy ass eyes...its really not that long compared to the text books you cram into your brains.

Besides its well worth it..and takes up only 5 minutes of your time ;>.>;

Hadriel
08-02-2011, 06:41 AM
lol I must say you guys have some lazy ass eyes...its really not that long compared to the text books you cram into your brains.

Besides its well worth it..and takes up only 5 minutes of your time ;>.>;

Long jokes = not that funny

Hero King Gilgamesh
08-02-2011, 07:26 AM
Long jokes = not that funny


meh suit yourselves....;hmm;

boyd
08-02-2011, 08:06 AM
Long jokes are great Aker thnx for that :*49: cause then u actually read the story, shorter jokes can be funny but most of the times they can't be understood by people.
also keep the jokes coming its waking me up at work :*106: nothing better then keeping your self awake with a good joke.:*84:

Here is a joke i found somewhere.

A mans sad story:


Last Thursday was my Birthday,
My wife & kids didn't wish me,


I went to work,
my friends didn't wish me,


I entered my cabin,
my P.A said, Happy Birthday boss,


I felt special,
She asked me for lunch,


After lunch she invited me to her apartment,
There, she said do you mind if I go to my bedroom for a minute,


OK, I said nervously,


She came out few minutes later with a large cake followed by my wife, kids, friends
and I was sitting there NAKED!!.

Hero King Gilgamesh
08-02-2011, 08:31 AM
Long jokes are great Aker thnx for that :*49: cause then u actually read the story, shorter jokes can be funny but most of the times they can't be understood by people.
also keep the jokes coming its waking me up at work :*106: nothing better then keeping your self awake with a good joke.:*84:

Here is a joke i found somewhere.

lol naughty jokes ;gun;

Chimer
08-02-2011, 08:36 AM
A mans sad story:

Last Thursday was my Birthday,
My wife & kids didn't wish me,

I went to work,
my friends didn't wish me,

I entered my cabin,
my P.A said, Happy Birthday boss,

I felt special, She asked me for lunch,
After lunch she invited me to her apartment,

There, she said do you mind if I go to my bedroom for a minute,
OK, I said nervously,

She came out few minutes later with a large cake followed by my wife, kids, friends
and I was sitting there NAKED!!.

Nice one :*49:

Manga Wolf
08-02-2011, 08:47 AM
sexist jokes allowed?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

boyd
08-02-2011, 09:25 AM
It was getting funny until i read this "Here, iron this!".

Somehow i was expecting entirely something else. :sigh::

Canabary
08-02-2011, 09:54 AM
sexist jokes allowed?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Where's my sandwich ;hmm;

Pimp
08-02-2011, 10:21 AM
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

Luffy
08-02-2011, 03:59 PM
@Aker it was actually a decent joke, just that it doesn't look very appealing due to the lack of spacing

Is it from a stand-up?

Pimp
08-03-2011, 12:05 AM
Joke 1
One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

Joke 2
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.

Hero King Gilgamesh
08-03-2011, 06:36 AM
@Aker it was actually a decent joke, just that it doesn't look very appealing due to the lack of spacing

Is it from a stand-up?


I dont think so. I found this on the web XD


PS:so err we have so many jokes but no news posters want to make a post about it? ;>.>;

Morticia
08-04-2011, 01:26 PM
I think they are scared maybe?